So, in my infinite wisdom, I chose to write a novel in thirty days and then gave myself two weeks afterwards to edit the whole thing.
Here is Chapter 1+2:
Chapter 1+2
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1 comment:
MY 2 cents
First thought is why is this quotation set off from the rest of the paper? I think it might work as the opening line of the chapter. Or you can craft something a bit more unique? As you asked, I will not get into touching upon the grammar and syntax, but I think you are rushing everything into this first chapter. I thought a powerful first chapter should concern itself with just the car alone and its inhabitants. I think I recognize that you do not want to fully introduce these characters to your audience early on since you need to let the reader hunger for more, but I think you can offer details in other areas to "beef up" this chapter and literally take us along for the ride. More description across the board--i.e. the car, the view, the setting, conversation, et.al--might lend itself to creating a nice crisp beginning for the reader before they leave this world you have described and enter a new one.
In addition to "beefing up" the minute details, you can also slim down your chapters. Your chapters can be shorter and sharper. For example, Chapter 1--the car, Chapter 2--the geography of this other world, chapter 3--maybe back to car with focus on its inhabitants, chapter 4--the political/military background in this world, chapter 5--WORLDS COLLIDE AND THE FUN BEGINS. Your call, but when you started to get into deep detail about this world, throwing out so many names, acronyms, territories, alliances, etc... I as a reader--an old one, but a young one at heart--started to say "Too much, slow down and give me some more context here so when I need to know what the difference between SAND II and SAND III is later on, I can do it"
One last thought: you as a narrator need to figure out whether you are going to tell the story or are also going to be part of it. I sometimes just feel a writer here and sometimes I feel Max. Now, I know your "twang" a bit so it may just be my personal issue, but just something to think about it.
Well, I hope this is helpful. Before I write another, email and let me know if this is what you are looking for or more/less is needed; or if you need something totally different
Thanks, Mr. S.
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